Thursday, March 21, 2013

Time flies......

It has been a little over two months since our failed IVF attempt and I have been missing here on the blog.  I have been taking some time to reevaluate and to heal.   Life has a way of moving on even if we don't want it to.   I have been focusing on getting healthier in preparation for a frozen transfer some time this coming summer.  So far i have lost a total of 30 pounds!  Seventeen of which was just last month. 

Overall, I am doing better, but I wouldn't exactly say that I am doing well.   We are thinking about calling it quits after one frozen transfer even though we will have embryos left.  I think we are both just tired of living life for a maybe.  What do you think?  Would we be crazy to stop treatments when we still have frozen embryos left?

Thursday, February 7, 2013

Now what?

IVF has taken over my life during the past two months.   Now with a big, ugly negative result, I don't know what to do with myself.   It feels as though there should be some sort of something to provide closure.   Yet, there isn't anything.  There are just pieces.  The unfinished baby blanket that I was crocheting, the pinterest "maybe baby" boards, the marked up calendar, the shelf full of leftover meds.  All things that I can't quite bring myself to look at, but can't quite put away either.   We were at least pursuing treatments, now I feel..stagnant and unfinished. 

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


 With yesterday's big, fat, ugly, negative beta, we had a lot of people to tell.   I made the decision early in the process to tell real life people about the IVF because I knew that I would need a support system throughout the process, especially if we received a negative result.    I knew that I would have support from other infertility bloggers, but in real life.....    I regret telling  real life people because those phone calls and emails were very difficult.   I regret because the support never really came.   A few people tried minimally, and if that is all they had to give then that is all they had to give.   I get it.  Sometimes you don't know what to say, or you have your own things going on.  It's okay.  Mostly, I regret telling people because even those that have tried in their own way to be supportive just don't get it.

No one seems to understand that even though I have frozen embryos, I am not just going to be okay.   It's not just a matter of "oh well, maybe next time."  They don't understand that we gave the embryos names, talked to them, dreamed of them, loved them, begged them to stay and lost them.   They don't understand the picture on the fridge of two perfect, beautiful blastocysts, the picture that I can neither take down or look at.  They don't understand that I didn't only want a baby, I wanted those babies.  They don't understand the tears, disappointment, anger, fear, betrayal, loneliness, hopelessness and worthlessness that I feel.   They seem to think that I just need to move on.

I think next time, only the blog world will know.


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Beta results

The test came back negative like I knew it would.

I just don't know what else to say.

10 dp5dt--Beta day

*** This post will be a little too much information for some of you!  Feel free to skip it!   This is a forum for me to get out my emotions, so some times the details include a little over sharing!***

This morning I have already been to the clinic and back in order to have my blood drawn for the Beta.  I should receive the results around five this evening.

I already know that it will be negative.

The spotting that began 7dp5dt got worse, until at 9dp5dt,  I had a full blown heavy bleeding.  How is it that I have maybe a single period a year when not using progesterone to induce it, but the most important time to skip comes days early?   I am so angry with my body for betraying me, with myself for daring to hope, and the world because... well, just because.  I laid in bed and cried for hours yesterday.   Literally hours.   

The IVF coordinator stressed that I should remain "cautiously optimistic" (I do not think that there is a phrase that I hate more!) until the results are in because "bleeding in early pregnancy during IVF is very common and it could be the progesterone, and something like 20% of women will continue to have regular periods throughout the first trimester."  Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada.  She had so many reasons why the bleeding could mean absolutely nothing, but I know it's the end.

Our best chance for a FET would be during the very next cycle because of the hysteroscopy.   We can't do it though.   We were gifted a large portion of the IVF costs, but we also almost completely emptied our bank accounts as well.    We are about $1200 short of being able to use our frozen embryos this very next cycle.  That means we kiss our best chance goodbye.  I am so angry, bitter and heartbroken right now, it feels like this will never end.

Saturday, February 2, 2013


This post will be a little too much information for some of you!  Feel free to skip it!   This is a forum for me to get out my emotions so some times the details include a little over sharing!

I still have not gotten a positive home pregnancy test, however, I also have not tested since 6dp5dt.  I decided to stop torturing myself.   Today it has been really difficult to keep the hope alive.  I began spotting today....just the teensiest amount.  I'm worried, but not too worried at this point.   It could possibly still work out, but the shadow of doubt is there.  We had a family dinner planned for this evening, but I just was not up to it emotionally.   I cried for almost two hours last night.  As soon as Mark and I crawled into bed the waterworks started.  Mark was amazing as always.  He really is my rock.  Though, I think he was surprised when the tears began again first thing this morning and continued intermittently through the day.    This has been the first time during this IVF cycle that I have felt like I have had no control over my emotions.   

I wish it wasn't the weekend so I could try to go in for an early beta.   I still have two and a half days to wait for the blood draw.  Keep your fingers crossed for us!

Thursday, January 31, 2013

5dp5dt -Negative

Why do I torture myself?  I knew that it was too early for a home pregnancy test.   I knew that not using early morning urine was a bad idea.  I knew not using an early detection test was stupid.  I knew it would be negative.  I knew I would cry.  I just couldn't help myself after reading about all the 5dp5dt positive results that are online.

 Five more days until Beta.

Tell me that there is still hope, because I can't seem to find it.

Tuesday, January 29, 2013


It has been 3 days since our 5 day transfer and I am slowly driving myself insane.  I am doing all the typical things like debating whether or not I should test, and googling things like "3dp5dt symptoms".   This is my first day off of bed rest since the transfer (really the first day since the hysteroscopy!), but I am still supposed to take it "slow and easy" for another two days.   So far, the only thing I have accomplished is folding all the laundry that Mark washed while I was on bed rest and getting more in the washer.  Just doing that little has made me tired.  I think it is just a result of the progesterone and the fact that I was on bed rest for almost three weeks.....but in the back of my mind I keep wondering if it could be a symptom.  

Speaking of symptoms, I had more "pregnancy symptoms" before the transfer than I do now.   I realize that those symptoms were from the progesterone, but now they have mostly disappeared.   I am hoping that is a good thing, but honestly I would be a bit comforted by some nausea right now!  I keep obsessively looking for implantation bleeding, pondering every twinge and possible cramp, evaluating every food craving and examining my sleep patterns.  Sleep.  Sleep would be a very nice thing.   Until the transfer occurred I was sleeping about 15 hours a day and still felt tired, now I stare at the ceiling all night and still feel tired.  Go figure.  

Last night Mark officially dubbed our little embryos Bun and Muffin.  It tore at my heart to have him reveal so much as far as his hope for this cycle.  He has been keeping so much locked away, I think because he has been afraid to hope.  I think he will struggle more than I realized if this does not work.

Only seven more days until sticky, babies!

Monday, January 28, 2013

The frosties

I realized this morning that I have neglected to write about how many snow babies we have now!  When we arrived at the clinic for the transfer we found out that we had eight beautiful blasts the were all high quality and suitable for transfer.  We also had six that had not quite made it to blastocyst, that we were going to give a wee bit more time.   As of this morning, after everything was said and done, we have six perfect 5 day blasts and two 6 day blasts frozen.   A total of eight snow babies!   Our progress looked like this:

29 eggs retrieved
25 eggs fertilized
24 embryos divided (20  right on track, 4 lagging a wee bit behind.)
14 left at day five
2 transferred
8 snow babies

I feel like knowing that we have some snow babies has taken a lot of the pressure off this cycle.   Yes, we will still be devastated if it doesn't work, but we have hope in the freezer so to speak!  I went into IVF promising myself that as long as we had some to freeze, I could be okay with a negative, I guess now I really get to find out if that is true.   Mark and I have already decided that this will be our only fresh cycle because of how very hard it was on me, so really having snow babies means a lot.

Do you know what would mean more?  If the babies we brought home would be sticky.  Please, be sticky babies.

Sunday, January 27, 2013


I feel as though everything should feel different right now, like the world should be bathed in different colors or something.   It's just me that's different though,   I am officially PUPO (pregnant unil proven otherwise).  Yesterday, we transferred two beautiful, healthy blastocysts.  The experience was so very surreal.  As I watched the ultrasound screen and saw the tiny white spots where our embryos were left, it was like the world stopped.   I can't quite get around the fact that I walked into the clinic at 3:15 in the afternoon and later walked out with two precious, beautiful possibilities snuggled deep within me.  Twin possibilities for joy, sorrow, hope, love and so much more.   As I have been on bed rest today, I have repeatedly found myself  muttering the same phrase over and over with a protective hand against my stomach...

please, be sticky babies.

Thursday, January 24, 2013

How are those embies?

We got our day three report on the condition of our embryos today and it was great news.   So far:

29 eggs retrieved
25 eggs fertilized
24 embryos divided
20 embryos right on track
4 embryos lagging a wee bit behind.

Holy cow, am I excited!   We should get the time and other details of our five day transfer tomorrow.

On a different note, I am finally starting to feel better from the retrieval, I am still sore and swollen, but no where near as badly as I was.  It also appears as though the OHSS is under control.   Right now my biggest complaint is the endometrin.  It makes me sooooo very tired and nauseous, and the longer I use it, the more irritation I have.  Anyone else feel like this while on progesterone support?  

Tuesday, January 22, 2013

The fertilization report!

I have spent the majority of today in bed, with our sweet puppies cuddling up to me, but I certainly got out of bed quickly when the embryologist called!  Or rather, as quickly as I could considering that I am still in a good amount of pain.   The embryologist had great news for us, 25 out of 29 eggs fertilized.  Those are such great numbers considering we were told to only expect 15-20 to fertilize!   In two days, the embryos will be taken out in order to change the culture media and at that point a final decision will be made as to whether we will be doing a three or five day transfer.   It will most likely be a five day, but we will just have to wait and see!  

I thought this image of where our embies are at in development was neat!  We're still waiting to find out how many fertilized!

Monday, January 21, 2013

The egg retrieval

Again this post may be a little too much information for some, but it is meant as a record for my sake.


29 eggs.  Wow. 

I am feeling a little overwhelmed about 29 eggs being retrieved today.  I can't help thinking that it is no wonder I hurt before the procedure!   The retrieval process was very straight forward and relatively non stressful.  It was also faster that I expected it to be.   I spent vastly more time recovering from the anaesthesia than the retrieval actually took.

So, not to scare anyone that will be going in for a retrieval, hurt, a lot.   The first thing that I was aware of when I first woke up was that I hurt.   Like a nine out of ten on the pain scale kind of hurt.   A heating pad across my stomach helped some, but the thing that helped the most?   Emptying my bladder.  I currently have a very mild case of OHSS, in fact I had fluid in my abdomen before we even left the clinic.   So I have to measure all fluid intakes and outputs.   I know, gross.   Even worse?   The first output after the procedure was scary brown sludge, dying of dehydration dark.   It seems to have resolved itself, but it really freaked me out.  I am thinking that it may have been from an antibiotic ointment or something that was used during retrieval, any other ideas?

I still really hurt, and that is after two regular tylenol and one prescription tylenol plus codine.  So far the drugs have just taken the sharpest edge off the pain.  I would say that I'm at about a seven on the pain scale still.  The heating pad, couch and netflix have been my best friends.   For the OHSS, I have to drink lots of gatorade, in fact I am not allowed regular water.   I am also supposed to have thirty grams of whey protein twice a day.   Smoothie anyone? 

We will get our fertilization report tomorrow, and I am going to bed until then!



Welcome  to all of you ICLW'ers!  

I have my egg retrieval today, the first day ICLW.   I am scared, anxious, excited and generally overwhelmed.  Thanks for the support and well wishes in advance, and I will take all the sticky vibes you want to send me!

Thanks for stopping by!

Sunday, January 20, 2013

The night before egg retrieval

This time tomorrow night, we will have babies sitting on a petri dish somewhere. 


I am so anxious, excited and nervous!  Also, I hurt!  I am so ready for these little eggs to come out!  Mark and I are guessing the number of eggs that will be retrieved.  Since we have a wee friendly wager going with it, I want to get the guesses down so that he can't argue about it when I win!

Mark's guess: 19
My guess:  15

What is your guess?  

The trigger and more!

I had originally planned on posting every day during the IVF stimming process in order to have a record of how things have gone, but that so did not happen.  I just have not felt up to it.   So, today is a wee bit of a catch up day.

My second follicle check was uneventful.   I was worried when I went in that morning, because when I had awoken, all my symptoms had miraculously disappeared.  Apparently, it's normal to have good days and bad days, and everything looked fine.  The symptoms came back with a vengeance that afternoon.  The clinic does not like to provide information as far as the size and number of follicles, so I walked away with nothing but the comment that I was "responding great".   I avoided a blood draw, which made me very happy!  I started drinking 32 ounces of Gatorade to help with staying hydrated and minimizing risks of ovarian hyper stimulation syndrome, I also spent most of the day on the couch watching netflix.  We also discovered that letting the menopur sit for a few minutes after mixing it causes the drug to burn less when injected.  

My third follicle check was a bit of a jumble.  As I was driving to my appointment that I thought was at noon, I received a phone call from the clinic asking why I was over an hour late.   I don't know how the wires got crossed, but it all worked out in the end.   The scan seemed to go well in that again there were many verbal reassurances that I was "responding well".     We were told to order one more dose of ganirelix and blood was drawn for the E2.  The side sffects kicked up a notch, with me feeling very bloated, lower back pain, and urination being extremely painful.    I drank more Gatorade, hung out on the couch, and downed water like it was going out of style.  During the evening injections we discovered that my stomach had turned black and blue form all the needle sticks.

Yesterday was the fourth follicle check and the last!  We were not given an official follicle count but we saw one labeled "follicle 17, 15mm" on the computer screen.  We were told that there were two follicles over 18mm, which technically qualified us for triggering.  So, it was up to my estrogen levels as to whether I would trigger or not.  Blood was drawn and I was sent on my way with trigger instructions.   We were also given HCG by the clinic because they had ordered a lupron trigger for me, but decided HCG would be better.   A couple hours later we received the call that we would be triggering at midnight!   We ended up being late triggering by ten minutes because the alarm that we had set did not go off, but the clinic says that it is not a big deal!  We didn't end up using the dose of ganirelix the clinic had us order.   Again, I spent most of the day with bad T.V., Gatorade, and worsening side effects.

Which finally brings us to today!   Which will be a great day simply because I do not get stuck with a needle today!  I took a pregnancy test this morning to make sure the HCG was working in my body, which it was, and I then called to confirm that with the clinic.  I have to say that there is something cruel about taking a pregnancy test and getting a positive result under those circumstances!  Mark took his antibiotic this morning, and we signed the final documents.   We now wait.   I have a few more things on my preprocedure checklist, but other than that I just need to report to the clinic at 11:30 tomorrow morning for egg retrieval.   I am excited, scared and slightly dreading going under anesthesia again.  I had a really hard time sleeping last night due to not being able to get comfortable, and my stomach is very distended, especially on the left side, where I have more follicles.   I can no longer wear my regular jeans, and have to wear things with an elastic waist, both because I am so distended and because the waistband on jeans sits right against my bruised pincushion of a stomach, which hurts!  The clinic has reiterated several times between last night and this morning that I need to be drinking LOTS of water and Gatorade, so that is the plan for today as well as more chilling out on the couch.   Walking hurts, standing hurts, sitting hurts and laying on my left side is excruciating.  Urinating is the most painful experience that I have ever had, except for maybe the HSG last spring.

I am having a hard time wrapping my mind around the fact that we are nearing the end of this process!   

Wednesday, January 16, 2013

First IVF Ultrasound

 This post may be a little too much information for some, so you may wan to skip it!   This is meant mostly as a reminder for me of our IVF experience.

This morning was the fateful day of my first ultrasound to find out how I am responding during this IVF cycle.   To be completely honest, I wasn't expecting much.   I never responded well to the drugs during our IUI cycles, so I figured I would have the same experience, plus, the nurse practitioner had warned me in advance to not be upset if there wasn't a whole lot going on.  
The appointment started like any other, bottoms off and on the table, feet in stirrups, yada, yada.   After a light knock, in walked the RE and a nurse.   NOT my RE.   The ultrasounds are done by the nurse practitioners, so seeing the other RE in the practice, sort of freaked me out a bit.   However, I ended up super glad that she was there.   The nurse was new, and being trained by the RE in exactly how the clinic wants ultrasounds done.   This meant that the ultrasound took forever, was super uncomfortable, and super thorough.   The results?   Twenty to twenty-five follicles on each ovary.   Ten of those follicles are very much in the lead at 12- 14 mm, the rest smaller.  I cried, right there on the table when I found out I had follicles in the 12-14 mm range.   During the IUI attempts, we were never able to get a follicle larger than an 11.  I was so afraid of that happening again!  
My E2 was drawn, and depending on the results my dosages may be changed.  I start the ganirelix tonight in order to avoid premature ovulation.   Tomorrow, I go back for another ultrasound to see what other progress is being made. 

As far as symptoms and side effects go, it hasn't been too bad so far:  
  • Sitting upright is a little uncomfortable....well,.... that is, it's a little more uncomfortable than everything else, which is also uncomfortable.  Everything just feels swollen and heavy.
  • The menopur injections get more painful with each one, how they burn!   The burning also does not go away immediately.   
  • Urinating is...weird.  The emptier my bladder gets while urinating, the more uncomfortable the process is.  
  • I did the hysterical, ugly cry yesterday over the choice of restaurant of all things!  I knew at the time that the whole thing was ridiculous, but the waterworks just would not stop.
  •  I miss sleep.  I toss and turn at night until the wee hours of the morning.  I am not feeling particularly tired during the days, but come evening, I am wiped out!
  • I go back and forth between wanting to eat everything in sight, and food being completely unappealing.  
  • The area of my injection sites hurts!  I have been living in pajamas because the very idea of putting jeans on and having the waistband against the injection sites is enough to make me cringe.

Friday, January 11, 2013

The Hysteroscopy Experience

Note:   this post is mostly so that I will remember the past couple days.  There may be a few more details than you want to read!

I had my hysteroscopy yesterday, and I am told that all went well.   The RE did find an extra little polyp hiding out on my cervix, as well as the one on my uterus that they were originally after.  Hopefully, that means that there will be no other surprises lurking around!   I have decided though that Timpanogos hospital is awesome!  The nurses were great, and the drugs were even better!   The anesthesiologist put the drugs in my IV before the bed was wheeled out of the prep room and I don't even remember getting to the hallway outside the room!   I woke up about four hours later and slowly worked through the fog to be able to go home.   It took a while for me to be released after I woke up because my oxygen stats kept dropping, but I eventually figured out that I needed to keep breathing even when I nodded off!    The sweetest thing was that every time I would slightly wake up during recovery, Mark was at my side, holding my hand and stroking my hair.  What an amazing husband I have! 
I have had relatively little pain from the actual surgery, but I have had other related complaints.   I woke up with the worst sore throat from being intubated, and a really nasty cough.  They are still bothering me 24 hours later, so I will just have to wait and see how long that persists.  The muscles in my calves, as well as my knees, are really achy from the compression sleeves that they use to prevent blood clots.  Funny story there, they didn't have any  sleeves that were short enough for my short person calves, so they had to go up over my knees.  As a result, stairs are tortuous right now, but after a few days, I should be back to normal.

Today, I had my follow up at the clinic.  I had a normal transvaginal ultrasound that revealed a lack of cysts, did the most painful pap smear EVER! and had my blood drawn for my E2 tests.   After all of that, we were given the green light to continue on with the cycle.   Consents were turned in, a horribly large amount of money was paid and instructions for injections were received.   Mark gave me the first follistim injection with the pen when we got back home this morning.  Almost immediately afterwards, I went back to bed and slept almost six hours.  I hope that doesn't become my life for the next couple weeks!

Does anyone have experience with using the overloaded amount in the pen injections?   Our nurse has us dialing our pen up to the full load amount of 350 iu even though it is considered only a 300 iu maximum injectible dose.   Anyone else instructed to do the same?  I was just a little worried, because even with doing that, there is still a wee bit of drug left in the cartridge.   Since i have been such a poor responder in the past, I want every drop of drug I can get!   Any advice?

Sunday, January 6, 2013

So far.....

I was finally able to talk with our clinic and I was given such great news!   First off, Mark's results were in, and let's just say that he was a total rockstar!  After his last slightly abnormal results, we were afraid that we were going to need to do ICSI, but it seems like we have dodged that bullet.  
Secondly, the IVF coordinator was able to calm my nerves regarding doing the hysteroscopy so close to the IVF.   Apparently, there is some research that indicates that it improves pregnancy success rates when done the same cycle.   I will take anything that I can get at this point, but I never thought that I would be thankful for a uterine polyp!

Right now, I only have two more days of the birth control, and three more days of the doxycycline.  Then the real drugs begin!