Thursday, February 7, 2013

Now what?

IVF has taken over my life during the past two months.   Now with a big, ugly negative result, I don't know what to do with myself.   It feels as though there should be some sort of something to provide closure.   Yet, there isn't anything.  There are just pieces.  The unfinished baby blanket that I was crocheting, the pinterest "maybe baby" boards, the marked up calendar, the shelf full of leftover meds.  All things that I can't quite bring myself to look at, but can't quite put away either.   We were at least pursuing treatments, now I feel..stagnant and unfinished. 

Wednesday, February 6, 2013


 With yesterday's big, fat, ugly, negative beta, we had a lot of people to tell.   I made the decision early in the process to tell real life people about the IVF because I knew that I would need a support system throughout the process, especially if we received a negative result.    I knew that I would have support from other infertility bloggers, but in real life.....    I regret telling  real life people because those phone calls and emails were very difficult.   I regret because the support never really came.   A few people tried minimally, and if that is all they had to give then that is all they had to give.   I get it.  Sometimes you don't know what to say, or you have your own things going on.  It's okay.  Mostly, I regret telling people because even those that have tried in their own way to be supportive just don't get it.

No one seems to understand that even though I have frozen embryos, I am not just going to be okay.   It's not just a matter of "oh well, maybe next time."  They don't understand that we gave the embryos names, talked to them, dreamed of them, loved them, begged them to stay and lost them.   They don't understand the picture on the fridge of two perfect, beautiful blastocysts, the picture that I can neither take down or look at.  They don't understand that I didn't only want a baby, I wanted those babies.  They don't understand the tears, disappointment, anger, fear, betrayal, loneliness, hopelessness and worthlessness that I feel.   They seem to think that I just need to move on.

I think next time, only the blog world will know.


Tuesday, February 5, 2013

Beta results

The test came back negative like I knew it would.

I just don't know what else to say.

10 dp5dt--Beta day

*** This post will be a little too much information for some of you!  Feel free to skip it!   This is a forum for me to get out my emotions, so some times the details include a little over sharing!***

This morning I have already been to the clinic and back in order to have my blood drawn for the Beta.  I should receive the results around five this evening.

I already know that it will be negative.

The spotting that began 7dp5dt got worse, until at 9dp5dt,  I had a full blown heavy bleeding.  How is it that I have maybe a single period a year when not using progesterone to induce it, but the most important time to skip comes days early?   I am so angry with my body for betraying me, with myself for daring to hope, and the world because... well, just because.  I laid in bed and cried for hours yesterday.   Literally hours.   

The IVF coordinator stressed that I should remain "cautiously optimistic" (I do not think that there is a phrase that I hate more!) until the results are in because "bleeding in early pregnancy during IVF is very common and it could be the progesterone, and something like 20% of women will continue to have regular periods throughout the first trimester."  Blah, blah, blah, yada, yada.  She had so many reasons why the bleeding could mean absolutely nothing, but I know it's the end.

Our best chance for a FET would be during the very next cycle because of the hysteroscopy.   We can't do it though.   We were gifted a large portion of the IVF costs, but we also almost completely emptied our bank accounts as well.    We are about $1200 short of being able to use our frozen embryos this very next cycle.  That means we kiss our best chance goodbye.  I am so angry, bitter and heartbroken right now, it feels like this will never end.

Saturday, February 2, 2013


This post will be a little too much information for some of you!  Feel free to skip it!   This is a forum for me to get out my emotions so some times the details include a little over sharing!

I still have not gotten a positive home pregnancy test, however, I also have not tested since 6dp5dt.  I decided to stop torturing myself.   Today it has been really difficult to keep the hope alive.  I began spotting today....just the teensiest amount.  I'm worried, but not too worried at this point.   It could possibly still work out, but the shadow of doubt is there.  We had a family dinner planned for this evening, but I just was not up to it emotionally.   I cried for almost two hours last night.  As soon as Mark and I crawled into bed the waterworks started.  Mark was amazing as always.  He really is my rock.  Though, I think he was surprised when the tears began again first thing this morning and continued intermittently through the day.    This has been the first time during this IVF cycle that I have felt like I have had no control over my emotions.   

I wish it wasn't the weekend so I could try to go in for an early beta.   I still have two and a half days to wait for the blood draw.  Keep your fingers crossed for us!