Regrets

 With yesterday's big, fat, ugly, negative beta, we had a lot of people to tell.   I made the decision early in the process to tell real life people about the IVF because I knew that I would need a support system throughout the process, especially if we received a negative result.    I knew that I would have support from other infertility bloggers, but in real life.....    I regret telling  real life people because those phone calls and emails were very difficult.   I regret because the support never really came.   A few people tried minimally, and if that is all they had to give then that is all they had to give.   I get it.  Sometimes you don't know what to say, or you have your own things going on.  It's okay.  Mostly, I regret telling people because even those that have tried in their own way to be supportive just don't get it.

No one seems to understand that even though I have frozen embryos, I am not just going to be okay.   It's not just a matter of "oh well, maybe next time."  They don't understand that we gave the embryos names, talked to them, dreamed of them, loved them, begged them to stay and lost them.   They don't understand the picture on the fridge of two perfect, beautiful blastocysts, the picture that I can neither take down or look at.  They don't understand that I didn't only want a baby, I wanted those babies.  They don't understand the tears, disappointment, anger, fear, betrayal, loneliness, hopelessness and worthlessness that I feel.   They seem to think that I just need to move on.

I think next time, only the blog world will know.