It is late at night the night before my cycle day 26 follicle scan. That's right, cycle day 26. Sigh. I can't seem to bring myself to go to bed. It's that strange combination of excitement and dread that is keeping me awake. I fully expect to go into my appointment tomorrow and find out that the follicle growth has stalled again, or even worse, the lining is done for this cycle. I am not ready to hear that news. I need good news, like I need to breathe.
I don't know if it is a matter of being lonely because of Mark working out of town, lack of sleep, or if it is the meds, but I feel so fragile tonight. Even though I love the nurse practitioner that does the follicle scans, I don't want to cry in front of her. It's silly, I know that. I know that I would not be the first or the last to cry in front of her when given bad news. Yet, it just seems like avoiding crying is the last shred of control that I have. I need that control. I just haven't figured out how to avoid crying if the news is bad tomorrow.