The talk

Today was the day of THE talk with the RE.  No, we didn't break up, in fact we decided that we will be seeing a lot more of each other.   You see, it has been decided that due to my poor response to the meds, IVF is our only chance.   I haven't really thought about how I feel about that yet. 

I set an appointment with the financial counselor up for next Thursday.  In preparation, I went over our budget and projected income.  If Mark does NOT work any overtime (overtime is projected, but I wanted to be conservative), and our vehicles do not need too many repairs when they need licensed in July and August, then we may be able to swing an August IVF.  Most likely, it will be September, but we are going to try for August.   For now, I am on birth control to hopefully regulate some hormones, and I will also be continuing with the evil metformin.

I know I have said it many times before, but I am just so amazed at how things have been working financially for us.   A little over a year ago, Mark was just starting back to work after two years of unemployment and we were in danger of losing our house.   Now we are capable or raising $12,000 in just a few months.   I wish that we had gone straight to IVF though, because of the large amount that we spent trying to do IUIs.   If we had, we would be able to do the IVF the end of June.  GRRR!  I know that it is the difference of only a few weeks, but it seems like forever.  How I wish our insurance plan covered IVF!

The Waiting Place.

"The waiting place....

for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go

or a bus to come, or a plane to go 

or the mail to come, or the rain to go

or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow 

or the waiting around for a yes or no

or waiting for their hair to grow.

 Everyone is just waiting."

-Dr. Suess 

 Time to pour my heart out!!!  I feel as though I am at this waiting place.  Waiting for all the ifs, whens, and mights.  We can't plan a trip because we might be pregnant.  When we have kids we will do such and such thing.   If we get pregnant this cycle we will (fill in the blank).  I'm tired of waiting for life to begin.   I don't want to look back at my life when I am eighty and realize that I spent it all in the "waiting place".  I don't want to reach 30 and feel that way!  Infertility has put our entire life on hold.  Yet, we don't dare put infertility on hold, because we only have five and half years left until the dreaded advanced maternal age kicks in.  My new goal is to live life to its' fullest in spite of infertility.  This summer will be filled with camping, trips to the lake for fishing and swimming, a carnival or two, parades, fireworks, barbecues and maybe even a trip to the state fair.

We will have the summer of a lifetime as soon as Mark is no longer working out of town to pay for treatments, I feel better from the side effects, we have spare money for fun, and more than three days without a doctor's appointment.  Yup, we are not going to wait any more.

Uncertainty

On Thursday afternoon I meet with our RE to discuss what to do next.  Apparently, he is concerned over my poor response during the last two cycles.  So am I, quite frankly.  That concern has given me a lot to think about.

Are we doing the right thing?  As I watch the savings account dwindle with each treatment, I think of the debt that could be paid off, the home improvements that could be made and the traveling that could be done.  Of course, if the treatments resulted in a real, live, take-home baby the costs will seem like nothing in comparison.  The rewards will outweigh the costs exponentially.  However, we are not paying for a baby, we are paying for a chance at a baby.  It feels like gambling.  Is a chance worth delaying the other things and experiences that we want out of life?  It feels as though we are playing Russian Roulette with our fertility, our dreams, and our finances.  Is it the right thing to do?  If I was responding better, I might not be so hesitant, but I have had to fight for EVERY. SINGLE. BIT. of follicle growth.  What if there is never enough?  Where do you draw the line between searching for baby and ransoming your future?

Cycle two cancelled

I just got the call, this cycle is cancelled too.   We have a sit down consult schedule to talk about what to do next on the 31st.   I'm heartbroken.

The news....

My cycle day 26 follicle scan was this morning and the news was not as bad as I was expecting, but it wasn't good either.   The largest follicle is still stubbornly refusing to grow past 11 mm.  I am okay with that, it just seems par for the course for me.   The thing that turned me into a bawling mess is much worse.

This morning my scan was done by a different nurse practitioner than I usually have.  She seemed nice enough, that is, she seemed nice until we saw that I was still only at an 11.  At that point she started talking about how I might not be a good candidate for an IUI and that the answer may be IVF.  I lost it.   I became a slobbering, nose running, red faced sobbing mess.   So much for not crying, right?  IVF really is not an option for us right now, considering what we just spent on the last two cycles.  Also, if we can't get mature follicles for an IUI, how exactly are we going to get even more mature follicles for an IVF?  Did she mean a donor IVF?  Isn't it too soon to make that call after only two cycles when everything else checks out okay?  As all that ran through my mind, I tuned the nurse out completely and decided that she wasn't so nice after all. 

At this point, we could continue this cycle in hopes that we might see more growth, or we could cancel and move on to whatever next cycle brings.   The nurse didn't want to make that decision without checking with the RE first, and he was in surgery.  I am waiting for the phone call that will determine the fate of this cycle.   I can't decide which result I am hoping for.  On one hand, we have  sunk so much money into this cycle, so I don't want to throw it away by cancelling.   On the other hand, it is CD 26, and sinking more money into the cycle hoping for growth might be useless.   I wish someone else could make the decision for me.

The night before...

It is late at night the night before my cycle day 26 follicle scan.  That's right, cycle day 26.  Sigh.   I can't seem to bring myself to go to bed.  It's that strange combination of excitement and dread that is keeping me awake.  I fully expect to go into my appointment tomorrow and find out that the follicle growth has stalled again, or even worse, the lining is done for this cycle.  I am not ready to hear that news.  I need good news, like I need to breathe. 
I don't know if it is a matter of being lonely because of Mark working out of town, lack of sleep, or if it is the meds, but I feel so fragile tonight.  Even though I love the nurse practitioner that does the follicle scans, I don't want to cry in front of her.  It's silly, I know that.   I know that I would not be the first or the last to cry in front of her when given bad news.   Yet, it just seems like avoiding crying is the last shred of control that I have.  I need that control.  I just haven't figured out how to avoid crying if the news is bad tomorrow. 

This week in the garden

I think May is my favorite month, because in our neck of the woods, it is planting season. The last few days have been spent getting my hands dirty and putting in the vegetable garden. I still have quite a bit to plant, but so far, the tomatoes, cucumbers, honey dew, summer squashes, carrot, onions, lettuce and green beans are in. Hopefully, tomorrow I will get the corn, watermelon, cantaloupe, garlic and winter squashes planted. I am also adding a few new herbs to the herb garden.

The peonies are in full bloom, and despite my best attempts at building a frame to keep them upright, they are lying flat again. I really need to split the bush this fall, but I am scared to. This bush was the first thing that I planted in our yard after we bought our house. The root ball came from my great grandmother's front yard, a place filled with many happy childhood memories. Walking past the bush makes me smile without fail. Splitting the bush might kill it, it's always a risk, so I keep neglecting to do it. 

 

The snapdragons are also in full bloom, and attracting lots of butterflies and damselflies. The other evening as I chatted on the phone on the front porch, I watched our cat stalking the butterflies. I guess better butterflies than birds?

 Right now we are harvesting strawberries like crazy, and this year they are the sweetest that we have ever had. We also had some voluntary black seeded simpson lettuce (our favorite) come up from last year. There is nothing like fresh garden lettuce!