Where We Are

I have been getting questions from many people as to where we currently are with the fertility treatments.  The above quote sort of says it all.   Right now we are taking a break from treatment for an undefined amount of time.   When our RE told us that IVF would be our last chance, we had already burned through all the money we had saved for treatment.  While the IUIs were fruitless, we are still glad that we tried them, because now we know how poorly I respond to the meds, which will increase our chances when we can do IVF.  Money was not our only reason for taking a break from treatment.
Treatment has been extremely difficult on me.  I simply reached a point where I was tired of injections and bruises, nausea and exhaustion.  I think the emotional aspect was the very hardest for both Mark and I.  So we let go.  We declared this the summer of fun!  We bought a boat, are planning lots of camping trips and plan to not live for the what ifs and possibilities.

We are not done forever, just for now.   We are talking about refinancing our house in order to pay for IVF, but we are unsure of the wisdom of that.  Interest rates are MUCH lower than our current rate, so we would be simply be trading interest payments for IVF.  On the surface, it seems like an okay plan, but I am cautious of it.  In the mean time, we are paying off debt as quickly as we can and loving life and each other!

We bought a boat!

Mark and I have been doing a large amount of fishing this summer, so we splurged and bought a small, used fishing boat. We can't wait to get it out on the lake!

Should we, or.....

should we not?   The idea of moving on to IVF is weighing very heavily on my mind.   The RE says that he sees no reason why it shouldn't work, but in reality 60% of IVF cycles fail.   When I ran across that statistic today I was heartbroken.   The money that we had raised for an IVF has been whittled away to almost nothing due to out two cancelled IUI cycles.   Raising all of that money again seems impossible.   Then, to risk it for a 40% chance?   We are talking about an amount of money that could be life changing for us.  The difference of having debt for several more years, or being debt free (excluding mortgage).  I just do not know what to do.  I would give anything to hear someone call me mommy, or so I thought.  Where is the line in the sand that says when enough is enough?   

The talk

Today was the day of THE talk with the RE.  No, we didn't break up, in fact we decided that we will be seeing a lot more of each other.   You see, it has been decided that due to my poor response to the meds, IVF is our only chance.   I haven't really thought about how I feel about that yet. 

I set an appointment with the financial counselor up for next Thursday.  In preparation, I went over our budget and projected income.  If Mark does NOT work any overtime (overtime is projected, but I wanted to be conservative), and our vehicles do not need too many repairs when they need licensed in July and August, then we may be able to swing an August IVF.  Most likely, it will be September, but we are going to try for August.   For now, I am on birth control to hopefully regulate some hormones, and I will also be continuing with the evil metformin.

I know I have said it many times before, but I am just so amazed at how things have been working financially for us.   A little over a year ago, Mark was just starting back to work after two years of unemployment and we were in danger of losing our house.   Now we are capable or raising $12,000 in just a few months.   I wish that we had gone straight to IVF though, because of the large amount that we spent trying to do IUIs.   If we had, we would be able to do the IVF the end of June.  GRRR!  I know that it is the difference of only a few weeks, but it seems like forever.  How I wish our insurance plan covered IVF!

The Waiting Place.

"The waiting place....

for people just waiting.

Waiting for a train to go

or a bus to come, or a plane to go 

or the mail to come, or the rain to go

or the phone to ring, or the snow to snow 

or the waiting around for a yes or no

or waiting for their hair to grow.

 Everyone is just waiting."

-Dr. Suess 

 Time to pour my heart out!!!  I feel as though I am at this waiting place.  Waiting for all the ifs, whens, and mights.  We can't plan a trip because we might be pregnant.  When we have kids we will do such and such thing.   If we get pregnant this cycle we will (fill in the blank).  I'm tired of waiting for life to begin.   I don't want to look back at my life when I am eighty and realize that I spent it all in the "waiting place".  I don't want to reach 30 and feel that way!  Infertility has put our entire life on hold.  Yet, we don't dare put infertility on hold, because we only have five and half years left until the dreaded advanced maternal age kicks in.  My new goal is to live life to its' fullest in spite of infertility.  This summer will be filled with camping, trips to the lake for fishing and swimming, a carnival or two, parades, fireworks, barbecues and maybe even a trip to the state fair.

We will have the summer of a lifetime as soon as Mark is no longer working out of town to pay for treatments, I feel better from the side effects, we have spare money for fun, and more than three days without a doctor's appointment.  Yup, we are not going to wait any more.

Uncertainty

On Thursday afternoon I meet with our RE to discuss what to do next.  Apparently, he is concerned over my poor response during the last two cycles.  So am I, quite frankly.  That concern has given me a lot to think about.

Are we doing the right thing?  As I watch the savings account dwindle with each treatment, I think of the debt that could be paid off, the home improvements that could be made and the traveling that could be done.  Of course, if the treatments resulted in a real, live, take-home baby the costs will seem like nothing in comparison.  The rewards will outweigh the costs exponentially.  However, we are not paying for a baby, we are paying for a chance at a baby.  It feels like gambling.  Is a chance worth delaying the other things and experiences that we want out of life?  It feels as though we are playing Russian Roulette with our fertility, our dreams, and our finances.  Is it the right thing to do?  If I was responding better, I might not be so hesitant, but I have had to fight for EVERY. SINGLE. BIT. of follicle growth.  What if there is never enough?  Where do you draw the line between searching for baby and ransoming your future?

Cycle two cancelled

I just got the call, this cycle is cancelled too.   We have a sit down consult schedule to talk about what to do next on the 31st.   I'm heartbroken.