So far.....

I was finally able to talk with our clinic and I was given such great news!   First off, Mark's results were in, and let's just say that he was a total rockstar!  After his last slightly abnormal results, we were afraid that we were going to need to do ICSI, but it seems like we have dodged that bullet.  
Secondly, the IVF coordinator was able to calm my nerves regarding doing the hysteroscopy so close to the IVF.   Apparently, there is some research that indicates that it improves pregnancy success rates when done the same cycle.   I will take anything that I can get at this point, but I never thought that I would be thankful for a uterine polyp!

Right now, I only have two more days of the birth control, and three more days of the doxycycline.  Then the real drugs begin!

IVF Meds

My Ivf meds have finally arrived, and the fact that we are doing this is finally sinking in!   I was a little surprised by the size of the box when they arrived.  I knew it was over $4200 worth of drugs, and I knew there were a lot of drugs, but I wasn't quite prepared for just how many!  Tomorrow, Mark and I both start the doxycycline (an antibiotic) for the next 10 days.  The day afterwards, I will begin to take a baby asprin daily.   I am still taking the metformin, active birth control and a prenatal.  With every drug that we add, I feel closer and closer!

We are still waiting to find out the details of Mark's analysis, in a hope to avoid ICSI, but we still haven't heard anything back from the clinic.   I know that I emailed during the holiday season, but it was five days ago!  Send me an email already!  I really don't need the extra stress of checking my email five million times a day!

The Dark

Today, I am in an extremely dark place.  I have been somewhat hesitant about moving forward with IVF for some time now and it just keeps building.  I am ready to be done with treatments.  IVF is the end of the line.  With it still out there as a "someday"  I can still have hope, but what if we were to do it and fail....it would crush me.  I am not ready to do this, I am not ready to risk that hope.  I feel so overwhelmed, helpless, worthless and pressured.   Yes, pressured.  It's no one's fault really, but with the fact that Mark is all gung ho, and the fact that the funds have been made available, on some level I feel like I have no choice.  I just want a little control, is that too much to ask? 
I feel like my last few chances at control and normalcy were stripped away from me today at my saline ultrasound.  Not only am I going to require surgery before IVF to remove a polyp, but we were also informed that we may have to do ICSI.  This certainly does not fit the image of pregnancy and parenthood that I had for myself.  I am having a really hard time letting go of the image of my large brood of kids that were all born at home in my twenties, and utilized cloth diapers, homemade baby foods, baby wearing and child led weaning.  The idea of one, maybe two kids in my thirties is not what I wanted, and feels like settling.  Is it wrong to want my cake and to eat it too?  

The Plan of Care Appointment

Yesterday was my plan of care appointment for my first IVF cycle.   It was also the day that I started the birth control pills that begin the drug regimen that I will be using.  As I sat at the IVF coordinator's desk looking down at the color coded, jam packed care calendar in front of me, I couldn't help but internally sigh.  The whole experience feels so unreal, so much like it is happening to someone else.  I actually have to wonder if it is worth putting myself through all the pills, injections, mood swings, and everything else.   I just don't have any hope.  I honestly can say that I am absolutely convinced that this will not work, and there is no wiggle room for hope in that conviction.  Worse still, at the moment I am not even sure that having children is still what I want.   That point, is where I waiver back and forth.  Some days it seems as though it is worth fighting for, and other days, it seems as though the last ten years of infertility have worn the fight out of me.  It is just that it would not be the motherhood that I had always envisioned for myself.  The large brood surrounding me in my twenties in an impossibility.  Coming to terms with a singleton, or possibly two in my thirties is a hard concept for me to wrap my mind around.
In a few short days, we will be attending Mark's family Christmas party.   I'm dreading it.  It's not that I don't love all the nieces and nephews, but time around them is always bittersweet, and during the holidays it becomes excruciating.  This year will be even worse for there are two new babies.  If our IUIs this past spring had worked, we would be nearing delivery right about now.  How that hurts my heart and makes the empty arms seem even more empty!  The family is trying so hard to be supportive, yet none of them really understand, and the well meaning questions and comments are often the last thing that I want to hear.   I swear if anyone else asks me about the possibility of miscarrying if the IVF works, I will end up curled up in a ball in the corner, mumbling incoherent sentences through my tears!
 
How are you getting through the holidays?

The IVF Consult

The IVF consult this evening almost ended in disaster.  Our appointment was set six weeks ago for six o'clock this evening.   At five fifteen as we were leaving for the appointment, I checked my voice mail only to find that the clinic had called.   The clinic wanted to push back by appointment by an hour.   As we drove over, we really had no idea whether or not anyone would actually be at the clinic.   Oh, the emotions!   I hadn't realized until that thirty minutes of uncertainty how much having the consult before Thanksgiving meant to me.   It was Thanksgiving 2011 when we announced to family our plan to move on to IVF.  I really needed to feel as though we had moved forward in life, in treatment in...well, everything. 
Fortunately, everyone was still at the clinic waiting for us, and the appointment went well.   We were given a number, a guess, an estimate of success of 76%.  It looks like we will be using a lupron trigger protocol, ironically, the protocol that I know the least about!
I start provera as soon as I get the prescription filled and then the real fun can begin!

The nerves...

.....are getting to me!  Tomorrow we have our IVF consult with the RE.   It's such a huge step, and I am both anxious and terrified of beginning the process.   All week I have been writing down questions to ask and I feel like I have barely scratched the surface of all that I should know.  Anyone have anything that they wish that they had known before IVF? 

In other news, I am listening to Christmas music as much as I can while Mark is at work.   He won't let me listen to it until after Thanksgiving if he is around!  He is totally not a fan of Christmas creep! I am also preparing for Thanksgiving dinner.   Lots of shopping, ironing linens and such.   I may be crazy, but I decided to try out a bunch of new recipes this year.  We will only have a group of twelve, but it should still be fun!  I am almost finished with all my Christmas shopping as well, which should make the Holiday season a little less stressful, a good idea during an IVF cycle, right?

Today.......

Today I am thankful for a warm bed, the wonders of the internet and laptops, an amazing husband and a beautiful life.