Today, I am in an extremely dark place. I have been somewhat hesitant about moving forward with IVF for some time now and it just keeps building. I am ready to be done with treatments. IVF is the end of the line. With it still out there as a "someday" I can still have hope, but what if we were to do it and fail....it would crush me. I am not ready to do this, I am not ready to risk that hope. I feel so overwhelmed, helpless, worthless and pressured. Yes, pressured. It's no one's fault really, but with the fact that Mark is all gung ho, and the fact that the funds have been made available, on some level I feel like I have no choice. I just want a little control, is that too much to ask?
I feel like my last few chances at control and normalcy were stripped away from me today at my saline ultrasound. Not only am I going to require surgery before IVF to remove a polyp, but we were also informed that we may have to do ICSI. This certainly does not fit the image of pregnancy and parenthood that I had for myself. I am having a really hard time letting go of the image of my large brood of kids that were all born at home in my twenties, and utilized cloth diapers, homemade baby foods, baby wearing and child led weaning. The idea of one, maybe two kids in my thirties is not what I wanted, and feels like settling. Is it wrong to want my cake and to eat it too?