Wednesday, December 19, 2012

The Dark

Today, I am in an extremely dark place.  I have been somewhat hesitant about moving forward with IVF for some time now and it just keeps building.  I am ready to be done with treatments.  IVF is the end of the line.  With it still out there as a "someday"  I can still have hope, but what if we were to do it and fail....it would crush me.  I am not ready to do this, I am not ready to risk that hope.  I feel so overwhelmed, helpless, worthless and pressured.   Yes, pressured.  It's no one's fault really, but with the fact that Mark is all gung ho, and the fact that the funds have been made available, on some level I feel like I have no choice.  I just want a little control, is that too much to ask? 
I feel like my last few chances at control and normalcy were stripped away from me today at my saline ultrasound.  Not only am I going to require surgery before IVF to remove a polyp, but we were also informed that we may have to do ICSI.  This certainly does not fit the image of pregnancy and parenthood that I had for myself.  I am having a really hard time letting go of the image of my large brood of kids that were all born at home in my twenties, and utilized cloth diapers, homemade baby foods, baby wearing and child led weaning.  The idea of one, maybe two kids in my thirties is not what I wanted, and feels like settling.  Is it wrong to want my cake and to eat it too?  

14 comments:

erika said...

I am so very sorry that you feel down. IVF is an intimidating process. No decision about it is easy. I hope you will feel better soon and if you decide to push through, it will deliver you results. ICLW #51

Kayla said...

IVF is absolutely the most tiring & trying process you can go through to get such a wonderful life gift. I did mine in January of this year and I spent weeks before, during and after crying.

If you need someone to talk to, ask questions, etc -- please feel free to contact me

Xoxo, Kayla
#30

Rebecca said...

Hi from ICLW. I know how you feel. I'm now in my early 40's and was hoping to be done trying to start a family by now and possibly have much older kids. Alas still no children.

Andy said...

Hi from ICLW. I know exactly how you feel about going through the motions. I sometimes think about this process as following a path laid ahead of me that I had little to no input in. I know it will be worth it at the end of the day, no matter what happens, for both of us. I wish you luck and continued strength in your journey. ICLW#18

Azara said...

I haven't had IVF but I can imagine the lack of control would be really difficult to deal with. Good luck as you move forward. (ICLW)

Aramis said...

Hi from ICLW. I know how you feel...I have my doubts too and my husband is full-speed ahead. Sometimes I wonder if we wouldn't be better off saving the IVF money and using it for adoption. You're not alone!

Kristin said...

There is absolutely nothing wrong with feeling frustrated and disappointed. Infertility takes so much away from us that it is hard not to be upset. {{{Hugs}}} and good luck.

ICLW #6

Marie Bulatao said...

Hi!Marie here from ICLW. I am wishing you well as you go through every single process. You may be feeling frustrated, but everything will work out for the best, you will see...

JenS said...

Hi from ICLW. IVF is a very hard process. I am gearing up for my 3rd IVF and I am really afraid of it not working again. I totally understand wanting to keep the hope of IVF out there but not actually doing it. I'm hoping it works out for you.

Infertile625 said...

Here from ICLW. I am sorry you are going through a struggle right now. We all end up there at multiple points along this journey. The thing about all this UF treatment is that our control, our decisions are usually taken away from us. But we do ultimately have control of what we put our bodies through. Talk about your fears and concerns of IVF before you subject yourself to anything your not comfortable with. Be realistic. Know that you may never be totally ok with IVF but your choice to do it or not is ultimately YOUR CHOICE. You are the one physically experiencing it and there is no reason why you should do something you're not ready for. XOXO I hope your decision either way becomes easier for you to swallow.

Julia Spencer said...

Hi from ICLW. I echo your frustrations about things not working out as planned. It seems nothing in our journey has either. I'm hoping the best for you with this IVF, and that you can get on with parenting, just the way you like it.

dspence said...

I'm so sorry that everything is so overwhelming right now. I hope that you had a Merry Christmas. Wishing you the peace that surpasses all understanding.

Jamie said...

I'm so sorry you're going through some such a down spot. I hope that the holidays were good to you and brought you some cheer. Happy ICLW!

Amber said...

It is absolutely not wrong to feel the way you do. I always dreamed of having 4 babies by the time I was 30. I was married at 23 so it wasn't that far of a stretch. However, I am now 38 with no kids, but am 6 weeks pregnant for the first time. It's not what I had pictured, but I will be extremely happy if we are blessed with at least one baby, even if we will be "old" parents. I wish you the best and hope you come to some sense of peace in making your decision.