Yesterday was my plan of care appointment for my first IVF cycle. It was also the day that I started the birth control pills that begin the drug regimen that I will be using. As I sat at the IVF coordinator's desk looking down at the color coded, jam packed care calendar in front of me, I couldn't help but internally sigh. The whole experience feels so unreal, so much like it is happening to someone else. I actually have to wonder if it is worth putting myself through all the pills, injections, mood swings, and everything else. I just don't have any hope. I honestly can say that I am absolutely convinced that this will not work, and there is no wiggle room for hope in that conviction. Worse still, at the moment I am not even sure that having children is still what I want. That point, is where I waiver back and forth. Some days it seems as though it is worth fighting for, and other days, it seems as though the last ten years of infertility have worn the fight out of me. It is just that it would not be the motherhood that I had always envisioned for myself. The large brood surrounding me in my twenties in an impossibility. Coming to terms with a singleton, or possibly two in my thirties is a hard concept for me to wrap my mind around.
In a few short days, we will be attending Mark's family Christmas party. I'm dreading it. It's not that I don't love all the nieces and nephews, but time around them is always bittersweet, and during the holidays it becomes excruciating. This year will be even worse for there are two new babies. If our IUIs this past spring had worked, we would be nearing delivery right about now. How that hurts my heart and makes the empty arms seem even more empty! The family is trying so hard to be supportive, yet none of them really understand, and the well meaning questions and comments are often the last thing that I want to hear. I swear if anyone else asks me about the possibility of miscarrying if the IVF works, I will end up curled up in a ball in the corner, mumbling incoherent sentences through my tears!
How are you getting through the holidays?
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We will likely be starting the IVF process in the new year and I have similiar concerns that it won't work, and we'll be spending $20K just to say we've tried. The holidays are tough, my family doesn't know that we're TTC, but I'm spending it with my aunt and two grown cousins. One has been pestering me to have children on my facebook page. The other conceived on her first IVF and had a spontaneous conception at age 41. My goal is to not erupt that I've just had a miscarriage and tell everyone to fuck off. If anyone asks you about miscarrying after IVF -I think you should throw your drink in their face! Hugs to you. ICLW #58
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