The Dark

Today, I am in an extremely dark place.  I have been somewhat hesitant about moving forward with IVF for some time now and it just keeps building.  I am ready to be done with treatments.  IVF is the end of the line.  With it still out there as a "someday"  I can still have hope, but what if we were to do it and fail....it would crush me.  I am not ready to do this, I am not ready to risk that hope.  I feel so overwhelmed, helpless, worthless and pressured.   Yes, pressured.  It's no one's fault really, but with the fact that Mark is all gung ho, and the fact that the funds have been made available, on some level I feel like I have no choice.  I just want a little control, is that too much to ask? 
I feel like my last few chances at control and normalcy were stripped away from me today at my saline ultrasound.  Not only am I going to require surgery before IVF to remove a polyp, but we were also informed that we may have to do ICSI.  This certainly does not fit the image of pregnancy and parenthood that I had for myself.  I am having a really hard time letting go of the image of my large brood of kids that were all born at home in my twenties, and utilized cloth diapers, homemade baby foods, baby wearing and child led weaning.  The idea of one, maybe two kids in my thirties is not what I wanted, and feels like settling.  Is it wrong to want my cake and to eat it too?  

The Plan of Care Appointment

Yesterday was my plan of care appointment for my first IVF cycle.   It was also the day that I started the birth control pills that begin the drug regimen that I will be using.  As I sat at the IVF coordinator's desk looking down at the color coded, jam packed care calendar in front of me, I couldn't help but internally sigh.  The whole experience feels so unreal, so much like it is happening to someone else.  I actually have to wonder if it is worth putting myself through all the pills, injections, mood swings, and everything else.   I just don't have any hope.  I honestly can say that I am absolutely convinced that this will not work, and there is no wiggle room for hope in that conviction.  Worse still, at the moment I am not even sure that having children is still what I want.   That point, is where I waiver back and forth.  Some days it seems as though it is worth fighting for, and other days, it seems as though the last ten years of infertility have worn the fight out of me.  It is just that it would not be the motherhood that I had always envisioned for myself.  The large brood surrounding me in my twenties in an impossibility.  Coming to terms with a singleton, or possibly two in my thirties is a hard concept for me to wrap my mind around.
In a few short days, we will be attending Mark's family Christmas party.   I'm dreading it.  It's not that I don't love all the nieces and nephews, but time around them is always bittersweet, and during the holidays it becomes excruciating.  This year will be even worse for there are two new babies.  If our IUIs this past spring had worked, we would be nearing delivery right about now.  How that hurts my heart and makes the empty arms seem even more empty!  The family is trying so hard to be supportive, yet none of them really understand, and the well meaning questions and comments are often the last thing that I want to hear.   I swear if anyone else asks me about the possibility of miscarrying if the IVF works, I will end up curled up in a ball in the corner, mumbling incoherent sentences through my tears!
 
How are you getting through the holidays?

The IVF Consult

The IVF consult this evening almost ended in disaster.  Our appointment was set six weeks ago for six o'clock this evening.   At five fifteen as we were leaving for the appointment, I checked my voice mail only to find that the clinic had called.   The clinic wanted to push back by appointment by an hour.   As we drove over, we really had no idea whether or not anyone would actually be at the clinic.   Oh, the emotions!   I hadn't realized until that thirty minutes of uncertainty how much having the consult before Thanksgiving meant to me.   It was Thanksgiving 2011 when we announced to family our plan to move on to IVF.  I really needed to feel as though we had moved forward in life, in treatment in...well, everything. 
Fortunately, everyone was still at the clinic waiting for us, and the appointment went well.   We were given a number, a guess, an estimate of success of 76%.  It looks like we will be using a lupron trigger protocol, ironically, the protocol that I know the least about!
I start provera as soon as I get the prescription filled and then the real fun can begin!

The nerves...

.....are getting to me!  Tomorrow we have our IVF consult with the RE.   It's such a huge step, and I am both anxious and terrified of beginning the process.   All week I have been writing down questions to ask and I feel like I have barely scratched the surface of all that I should know.  Anyone have anything that they wish that they had known before IVF? 

In other news, I am listening to Christmas music as much as I can while Mark is at work.   He won't let me listen to it until after Thanksgiving if he is around!  He is totally not a fan of Christmas creep! I am also preparing for Thanksgiving dinner.   Lots of shopping, ironing linens and such.   I may be crazy, but I decided to try out a bunch of new recipes this year.  We will only have a group of twelve, but it should still be fun!  I am almost finished with all my Christmas shopping as well, which should make the Holiday season a little less stressful, a good idea during an IVF cycle, right?

Today.......

Today I am thankful for a warm bed, the wonders of the internet and laptops, an amazing husband and a beautiful life.

28 Days

I have scheduled our IVF consult for November 20th.   That is 28 days a way.  It feels so close and so far away at the same time.  It just seems so surreal.  I halfway expect to wake up and find all of it to be a dream.  I feel like I should be in a major planning mode, but there is nothing to plan at this stage, it is just waiting.  I am filling the time with deep cleaning for the holiday season, crafting, and ever so slowly getting over the inner and outer ear infections that I have been battling.

In other news, Mark is no longer working out of town, and I actually get to see him each night.  The change has been so good for us.   We also finally finished putting in the new flooring on our main floor.  We just need to get the new base moulding in and that will be one thing crossed off the list. 

This is huge!

We have a fairy Godfather!  A dear, sweet, amazing man decided to make our dreams come true.   He is providing the much needed funds for IVF.  Yikes!   Come January, we will be in full blown IVF mode.   I am speechless, and in absolute awe that someone would care enough to do this for us.   I guess all I can say is THANK YOU! 

That gives me roughly two and a half months to get as healthy as I can.   The goal is to lose twenty pounds and kick the soda habit.   It also means starting the metformin again!  I have been researching the best nutritional approaches to PCOS, so hopefully, I will succeed with my goal!