IVF Meds

My Ivf meds have finally arrived, and the fact that we are doing this is finally sinking in!   I was a little surprised by the size of the box when they arrived.  I knew it was over $4200 worth of drugs, and I knew there were a lot of drugs, but I wasn't quite prepared for just how many!  Tomorrow, Mark and I both start the doxycycline (an antibiotic) for the next 10 days.  The day afterwards, I will begin to take a baby asprin daily.   I am still taking the metformin, active birth control and a prenatal.  With every drug that we add, I feel closer and closer!

We are still waiting to find out the details of Mark's analysis, in a hope to avoid ICSI, but we still haven't heard anything back from the clinic.   I know that I emailed during the holiday season, but it was five days ago!  Send me an email already!  I really don't need the extra stress of checking my email five million times a day!

The Dark

Today, I am in an extremely dark place.  I have been somewhat hesitant about moving forward with IVF for some time now and it just keeps building.  I am ready to be done with treatments.  IVF is the end of the line.  With it still out there as a "someday"  I can still have hope, but what if we were to do it and fail....it would crush me.  I am not ready to do this, I am not ready to risk that hope.  I feel so overwhelmed, helpless, worthless and pressured.   Yes, pressured.  It's no one's fault really, but with the fact that Mark is all gung ho, and the fact that the funds have been made available, on some level I feel like I have no choice.  I just want a little control, is that too much to ask? 
I feel like my last few chances at control and normalcy were stripped away from me today at my saline ultrasound.  Not only am I going to require surgery before IVF to remove a polyp, but we were also informed that we may have to do ICSI.  This certainly does not fit the image of pregnancy and parenthood that I had for myself.  I am having a really hard time letting go of the image of my large brood of kids that were all born at home in my twenties, and utilized cloth diapers, homemade baby foods, baby wearing and child led weaning.  The idea of one, maybe two kids in my thirties is not what I wanted, and feels like settling.  Is it wrong to want my cake and to eat it too?  

The Plan of Care Appointment

Yesterday was my plan of care appointment for my first IVF cycle.   It was also the day that I started the birth control pills that begin the drug regimen that I will be using.  As I sat at the IVF coordinator's desk looking down at the color coded, jam packed care calendar in front of me, I couldn't help but internally sigh.  The whole experience feels so unreal, so much like it is happening to someone else.  I actually have to wonder if it is worth putting myself through all the pills, injections, mood swings, and everything else.   I just don't have any hope.  I honestly can say that I am absolutely convinced that this will not work, and there is no wiggle room for hope in that conviction.  Worse still, at the moment I am not even sure that having children is still what I want.   That point, is where I waiver back and forth.  Some days it seems as though it is worth fighting for, and other days, it seems as though the last ten years of infertility have worn the fight out of me.  It is just that it would not be the motherhood that I had always envisioned for myself.  The large brood surrounding me in my twenties in an impossibility.  Coming to terms with a singleton, or possibly two in my thirties is a hard concept for me to wrap my mind around.
In a few short days, we will be attending Mark's family Christmas party.   I'm dreading it.  It's not that I don't love all the nieces and nephews, but time around them is always bittersweet, and during the holidays it becomes excruciating.  This year will be even worse for there are two new babies.  If our IUIs this past spring had worked, we would be nearing delivery right about now.  How that hurts my heart and makes the empty arms seem even more empty!  The family is trying so hard to be supportive, yet none of them really understand, and the well meaning questions and comments are often the last thing that I want to hear.   I swear if anyone else asks me about the possibility of miscarrying if the IVF works, I will end up curled up in a ball in the corner, mumbling incoherent sentences through my tears!
 
How are you getting through the holidays?