Tuesday, July 19, 2011

The winds of change...an update.

I have definitely been dealing with some changes the last couple months. All the changes have caught me up in a bit of a whirlwind in fact, leaving me feeling a bit frazzled, and reflective.
Things started out a few months ago with the clomid being pseudo successful. What do I mean by that? We had a very short lived big fat positive....I refuse to think of what that positive meant. I just can't right now. Then things followed with Mark finally getting regular, full time employment after two years of being underemployed or unemployed. While this is the best job he has ever had, and has been great for us, it has been an adjustment from him always being around! Follow that up with school starting again, and the G family moving out of our home after two and a half years! Yes, things have been quickly changing!

So where are we now? We have another boarder lined up, but he won't move in until the first of September. School has me uninspired and unmotivated, but I am plodding along. The garden is growing, I harvested our first zucchini and yellow wax beans just the other day. We have began some minor remodeling, and I have started to install laminate flooring throughout the main floor of our house. The infertility treatments......well, that's complicated.

We decided after our loss that we needed a break, so I have been on birth control pills in an attempt to regulate some hormones while we did some soul searching. Soul search we did! To get straight to the point, I am ready to give up on fertility treatments. Mark is not. I know, I know, we have only been at it for a year, and I shouldn't give up so easily. The thing is that I am finding that infertility is starting to define who I am. I mentioned that I have been installing laminate floors in our house, that has actually been a clarifying experience for me. Two years ago, I would have been excited, confident and eager to do that project on my own. When I recently began, it was only because between work and school, Mark simply does not have time to do it. So I started with trepidation, fear and uncertainty. You may be asking what that has to do with infertility, and well, the thing is, it has everything to do with it. Since we have been trying to start a family (versus just hoping it would happen) my self confidence has taken a major hit. There is this not-so-small voice in the back of my mind screaming that my worth is only connected to my procreating abilities, and since I can't seem to get that right........I won't be able to do anything else right either. So I want to quit in order to regain myself. Mark isn't ready to give up though, and while he would never hold it against me if I did, there would always be a part of me that would regret giving up when he wasn't ready. So, in about a week, we will once again be joining the ranks of the clomid users, and will be hoping for some baby dust....does anyone want to share?


Mom of 12 said...

Sounds like lots of fun things and craziness at your house too! Thanks for stopping by my blog.

Beth Brakewood said...

The hubs and I have some differences of opinion on how far we want to go in our IF (start sarcasm font) "journey" (end sarcasm font) as well. I think it's amazing how we are still able to work through it together though...I mean, IF is fu#$ing awful, no lie, but it has shown me how strong our marriage is and how much stronger we can make it.

I think I'll have a hard time living with myself if we don't take this one last, grand chance (IVF) and he will have a hard time living with himself if he doesn't help me. And I know that I can't live with putting him through it more than once.

Finding yourself on the other side of all this IF stuff is going to mean finding out something about you and your husband and what "the two of you" really means, no matter the outcome.